Just Thoughts

 When I started this blog I named it Thoughts of Newhart. So I think I will give you just some of my random thoughts and wisdom, which I have lived and learned. I am so thankful for the ones who spoke words that I have now lived to understand.

1. It is a great life if you do not weaken.
2. If you drop your pack it is hard to pick it back up.
3. God’s lessons are sometimes for others.
4. Why do people fight so hard to stay on this earth when their reward is after death?
5. Breathe, this too shall pass.
6. Still more scared of the cure than the disease.
7. Words can be the sweetest gift.
8. Don’t shelter a sick person from your woe’s it is nice to step away from theirs.
9. People with a positive attitude in health usually have one in sickness.
10. Woman who have had breast cancer and do not know what type they have make me crazy.
11. Your trials and tribulations are comparable to illness. It is all relevant, it is LIFE!
12. Worry in the eyes of those that love you, hurts.
13. Quality of life is my first priority.
14. I miss my old boobs!
15. Sisters are a gift!
16. I love people, their stories and their lives.
17. Hiking and Yoga are great for the body but better for the mind.
18. Still learning to take a compliment and just say Thank you.
19. Friend’s make you feel special.
20. At any age look for a positive role model.
21. Remission, I am not in remission, it is gone.
22. Do people really like my natural hair color?
23. I will never understand why people where pajama pants in public.
24. Thoughts and prayers do work.
25. Love those where they are.
26. You should know someone at least a year before you procreate
27. I love photography, my favorite is portrait
28. Pray every day.
29. Gratitude is the secret to happiness.
30. If you lay down with dog’s you will wake up with flea’s
31. A bird of a feather, flock together
32. Don’t  shi* on me and then tell me I stink.
33. Do the best you can at the time with what you have, then you can live with no regrets.
34. To have a good friend it to be a good friend.
35. I will always dress for a funeral, to me it says I put some thought and care in coming to pay my last respects.

I could have an individual blog on each of these subjects, and someday I might. 

An Ugly Place

It has been awhile since I have blogged about my journey. My last blog was all about how I wanted to continue on this journey through healthy drinks and exercise. Well all great plans can go awry.  My last post was on the day of my last chemo treatment. A week later I missed a step and fell and broke my leg. I have to say after everything I have been through the broken leg was the worst until the last few weeks.

I started my hormone therapy of Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is an estrogen blocker, woman who have estrogen positive cancer are placed on this medicine for 5 years. It saves lives, if your cancer is estrogen positive it means estrogen is what feeds your cancer. Tamoxifen like any other drug has its side effects. I was aware of the life threatening side effects of blood clots, stroke, and uterine cancer. The one side effect I was not worried about was depression. That is the one that got me. I am thankful it did. I have a new understanding of the condition.

I was the person who used to think anyone who committed suicide was a selfish coward. Then with age I realized that they were mentally ill. The one thing I did not realize is how these thoughts can happen to anyone. I did not have suicidal thoughts. But I did pray “Oh Lord if you want or need me you can take me now”. I was on this medicine for three weeks. By the third week I was crying all the time. I told my husband I wished I had not done any of the medical treatments I had endured. I did not find delight in much. I did not know or even think it was the medicine making me have these thoughts. I took myself off the Tamoxiphen because I thought it made the painful neuropathy I have in my feet worse. After the third day of being off the medicine I felt more like the old Rachel. The Rachel that was the poster child for a positive happy attitude.

Knowing now how I felt and thought. I have some insight how a depressed person could think the way they do. I know the thoughts I had about me, my life, and my condition were not normal healthy thoughts. I now know I am not immune to depression. 

There are other estrogen blockers and I will try them later. I believe in the one new drug at a time plan. I am on a medicine for the painful neuropathy. The neuropathy is a side effect of chemo therapy.   This drug can cause depression as well. However, they tell me you just do not know if it will. The neuropathy will hopefully go away it can last 6 month to a year, or last forever.

Please if you have or you see the signs of depression in a friend ask questions get help.

Inspire

My cancer journey is in day 210, 6 months 27 days or 302,400 minutes.  During this journey I have been told I am an inspiration. I am humbled to think. Inspire 1. To exert a stimulating or beneficial effect upon (a person); animate or invigorate. What I want to share with you is who has inspired me on this journey and what I did or will do about it. Kim Hudson who called and told me she would be cleaning our pool until I was done with treatment. I will not ask a friend what I can do? I will just do what needs to be done.  My first chemo friend Ann, she inspire me with her running club, I then went back to hiking. I am inspired with those patients who are very sick and continue to fight. I am not sure what effect this will have on me. I hope I could be as courageous as they, their will alone is inspirational. I aspire to be an inspiration. What I have been through so far has really just happened to me. I believe if you are a positive happy person in health, you can be one in sickness. So there was not much effort on my part.  I had my last chemotherapy treatment today. I will let that poison work its magic. Then it is on to a healthy eating, juicing and a 70% raw foods and fish. I will start back to being an early morning gym rat. I quit that life several years ago after an injury. My mother used to say “If you drop your pack it is hard to pick it back up” Oh so true! I thank you if you were one who said I was an inspiration. It is that, that will give me the will to do something  I think is worthy of your inspiration. What a lesson!, a few kind words you might say could make a huge difference in someone's life. Which then will have a ripple effect on everyone in their life. Thank you!

The Princess Phone

WOW the technology we have today in telephones! I have a very smart phone, it tracks my exercise. It tracks my calories; I believe there is an App to track anything. It does more than I will ever know or need. I do not suffer from telephone envy when the newest brightest phone is unveiled. There was a day when I did have telephone envy.

 It was over 40 years ago. My best friend Susan had a Princess Phone. The sleek phone was on her night stand between her and her sisters bed. It had its own number 742-1388 the phone was just theirs. No calls for Mom or Dad on it. I would have loved to have had my own phone. But I had to share with the family. We did have three phones, in the kitchen, my Mom’s room and the living room.  It was not unusual to only have one line in a home. Parents thought the conversations we were having could be in public. No real need for privacy. But we did get our privacy when we added the 25’ cord to the kitchen phone. We could stretch that cord out to the garage. There were many a wall phone pulled off the wall while trying to get privacy or quite.

I believe now if our children had to live under those circumstances the child protective services might come in.  It might be some kind of child neglect. I miss those days. I miss when you called a friend their attention was completely yours. There were no interruptions with call waiting. You could not be distracted with driving, walking, shopping, texting. You were tethered to the end of that cord. The caller ID you had, was to have your sibling answer the phone. Oh and the phone etiquette! “Hello this is the Smith Home, I am sorry my father is not available may I take a message?”

Today’s phone etiquette where is that taught? I believe there could be an entire book written on the subject now that our phones go everywhere with us.

It Is About the Hair!

I have gone 11 weeks without a pedicure.  On this cancer journey you have been WARNED you are very susceptible to infection during chemo therapy. But I am desperate, my blood counts have always been good. It is right before a treatment , I am going! I am going to the mall nail spa.

I walk in pick my color, (this is not my first rodeo.) I choose a red to go with my new red lipstick. I am trying to be on the cutting edge of fashion.  If and when I start having the sick look I want to be at least well manicured. Never wearing pajama’s in public it screams  I have given up on life, whether you have an illness or not.

I get cozy in the massaging pedicure chair. The water was a little too hot at first then I got use to it and enjoyed it. I did not even have to tell him not to cut my cuticles. I believe the  scarf told him that might not be a good idea. Matter of fact we did not say much at all.  All went well with the pedicure, he even let me stay a while longer in the chair while my pigs were drying.  I paid and tipped him. I then get moved over to the nail dryer. While I am there I get my tips worth. He starts rubbing my shoulders while my toes are drying. Then in his broken English he asks “Why no hare” I stop and think, I have to think before I speak. I say “ I am having some treatments” He asks “ concer”  I say yes “ I have breast cancer”  He then informs me that there is fake hare. I say;"Yes I know I have seven wigs now." I pull out my phone and show him my photo with all my wigs (Disguise’s of Patient Rachel Newhart ) Then he see’s on my phone pictures of Sam and Barbie. He then says hare make you look ten year younger! And nobody know U doing treatment. Then I felt compelled to lie. I told him I had worn a wig all day at work and I just needed a break, It gets uncomfortable.

See it is about the hair.  I should have said I believe in the power of thoughts and prayer I want to make it easy for people too spot me out. If they don’t say a little prayer for me at least the thought “ She would look ten years younger with some Fake Hare”

Funny Thing About No Hair

  I am not really sure if there is anything funny about being a woman and being bald. I like to find some humor in everything.

This morning I was a little disappointed as to my baldness timing. I was putting on my makeup and before I got to the eyeliner and mascara. I noticed the smoky eyes that I created; I would make a great Uncle Fester for Halloween.

Not so funny but a lesson learned. Before I went back to work, I was getting practice in wearing my many wigs.  I put on Barbie, Barbie is a blonde long wig I bought for a Halloween costume years ago.  Barbie and I hit the mall for some mall walking. It appears Barbie likes to shop more than walk.  We were checking out a Dillard’s when the young clerk commented she liked my hair. My correct response should have been thank you.  But before I knew it I said “Oh it is a wig I am in the middle of chemo and I have no hair”.  I immediately felt horrible I could see the look on her face. It is that look on someone’s face when they ask you when the babies due and you are not pregnant. What lesson did I learn? Just be gracious and say thank you. If you are going to wear it own it!

Wearing a wig and mall walking and wearing a wig working are two different things. My first day back at work I am wearing Sugar. Sugar is a brunette bob with sassy bangs. I am in a store looking for stock to bring down. Every time I look up in the overhead then down ,Sugars bangs slap me in the face. I am adjusting her all day I feel she is crooked. The girls are not much on working. Sam does pretty well but she is pretty hot.

Remember the lesson I should have learned?  I am at work in a Lowes store wearing a beautiful scarf tied in a twist knot in the back, when I say hello to an associate whom I visit with on occasion. He says “What’s up with the tribal headdress”.  I once again say “chemo”. I wish I could have thought of something clever.

Back to the funny, I still use shampoo!

Tears

 I was asked from a friend after my diagnosis if the colors seemed brighter. Her meaning do I have a new appreciation of life. I had to answer no. I have always had an appreciation for life, maybe my appreciation came from losing a parent at an early age. I was eight when my father died. Where ever the love of life came from I have always know it. What I have not always experienced is the emotion of life.

I have thought, since this journey I have shed many a tear. When someone says “I have shed many of tear.” My first thought is sadness has brought on this emotion. But not in my case, I have shed a tear almost every day. Not crying just getting teary eyed from a wonderful emotion, Love! Love felt from the friend would takes time out of her busy schedule to go to chemo with me, the friend who has called me every day, the little messages left on Facebook, the friend who insists on cleaning our pool, my silly sister who will not stop bringing me gifts, meals, cards, flowers. I could go on and on.

  I feel very privileged to have this emotion. So when you see me have a tear know that I feel your love.

Just Like Bathing A Dog.

  I have bathed many a dog in my day. When you bathe a short hair dog you get them all soaped up good, then you begin to rinse.  You run your hands through their coat to release the suds to find you have their hair all over your hands. You continue to rinse, you begin to think there will be no end of the hair sticking to your hand so you say good enough. If you are like me you are in the shower with the dog. You get out dry the dog off and look down at yourself; you have dog hair all over your body.

This is exactly how it was this morning minus the dog. My new little crew cut is really coming out. Just like when bathing a dog I am surprised I still have any hair left, with as much that fell out. I am thankful I thought I had some control when my hair was gone.  The only thing I controlled was the length of hair flowing down the drain.

 No big deal just hair it will grow back. But until it all falls out completely I cannot decide if that is a look I can work with? Mrs. Clean or Kojackie?

Bring Back My Competitive Spirit

 On my very first visit to the cancer clinic I felt ill at ease. All of these people were sickly looking. I do not want to be sickly looking. However, one woman stood out. I had to look closely to see if she was a patient. She was dressed well she had a rolling case. I thought maybe she was a pharmaceutical representative. She also looked very familiar; I thought maybe our kids went to school together. Then she was gone.

  On my second visit to the clinic I saw her again. I said you look so familiar she said I did too. We introduce ourselves, her name is Ann.  We ran the gamut as too where our kids went to school, where we live, where we work, nothing?  Talking to Ann she was telling me she has done fairly well with her treatments. Ann is closing in on the end of her treatments she has 4 treatments left. Her cocktail is the same as mine.  But she thought she was going to have to drop out of a running group, she had joined. WHAT RUNNING? OH MY!

 HMMM Ann can run! I must get my hiking back on. So the next week Anita and I go to Turkey Mountain and hike 4 miles. I have got to get my stamina back up. I am returning to work March 26, 2012. After a day or two, I am no worse for the wear I walk Lafortune 3.1 mile.

It is time for my second play date.  I go into the clinic and I see a familiar face in the waiting room. She is a 65 year old woman who has ovarian cancer and I stop to ask her how she is? She looks like she is not feeling well.  She says she is not, she hurts all over.  I then see Ann I share with her what I was handing out to the receptionist and the doctor, a card with me in all of my wigs.” Disguises of Patient Rachel Newhart” Ann says “No that is not for her”. Ann wanted to remain looking just like Ann. I said “Not me I want to be anyone but me”. We sit and visit for a little while. I introduced Ann to Big Daddy. Tulsa is just too small of a town, we did find a friend of ours who Ann knew and worked with. Not only is Ann running she has continued to work. I get called back to see the doctor.

 Dr. Cole is very impressed with my blood work. He sends me back for round two of chemo.  While back in infusion Anita and I are visiting with Ann.  I mention how good my blood work is. Ann being more familiar with the important numbers asks Mesha our nurse if my numbers were better than hers? Mesha said she had to look at mine twice to see if this was my first treatment because mine were so good.   GAME ON! Yes! I have found my competitive spirit! As crazy as it might sound to most people, how do you compete on things you cannot control? It is not really a competition it is a drive, a desire to be your best. Ann gets it! I believe she will be the one I can compare how well we are, not how ill we feel.

Control vs. Optimism

 My first play date went so well with Chemo, the following week I had to ask them, did you give me the full dose of KOOL Aid. How silly of me to think they would be less than hospitable. I was just lucky Chemo did not make me too sick. I am hoping my next visit will be the same. Now that I know what to expect. “Now that I know what to expect” that is pure optimism that my body will react the same. I am optimistic; I will be keeping that thought.

Control is one of my favorite traits, I love to have control, and I am a control freak! Not like most people would think. I do not need to have control over anyone or thing. However, I NEED control over myself.  On this cancer journey, control is one thing I have felt I lost. I lost it when my body betrayed me. I thought I was controlling my health with exercise and diet.  We know how that worked out for me. 

Control is something I really never lost. What I was experiencing was a sense of loss control. I am still in control. I just have a clearer picture of what it is I can and cannot control.  For example I cannot control that I will lose my hair. I will control when it is gone. I am told on day 17 it will start to fall out. On day 15 I will visit the barber.  Some people have said what if it does not fall out.  This is where control wins over optimism.

My First Play Date With Chemo

  It was scheduled, I had my mind set, Chemo was going to be my new best friend. The day arrived March 1, 2012 it was different than any other play date I had been on. I first had to have lab work done to see if I was healthy enough to play with Chemo. Then I had to visit with his dad Dr. Cole. I thought, I sure hope Chemo is like his Dad, so easy to get along with.

I went in with back up, Big Daddy and my BFF Anita; Just in the event Chemo bite or knocked me out. The introduction was no big deal it appeared Chemo was going to be kind. I sent Big Daddy home. I felt comfortable with Chemo and Anita.

Chemo has a BIG FAMILY!  His house was full of people  getting friendly with the entire clan. Next to me was Garth Brooks ; what a great brother making sure Chemo’s family played nice with his sister. I had Garth take my picture with Anita and Chemo. I was asked where the picture of us with Garth was? I said,“ No Garth took the picture! Anita is the Super Star”

 It was time for Kool Aid a flavor Chemo called “The Red Devil”?  What kind of crazy stuff is this? I was told to eat ice while it was pushed through my IV.  It is thought to help prevent mouth sores. This stuff can eat through rubber gloves. I sure am glad I am not made of rubber. I then went to the restroom and my pee is red. I was given another bag then it was time to go home. “Bye Chemo nice play date thanks for the red pee”.

 Chemo is known for making his playmates ill after they play. Sometimes it happens right away sometimes it takes a couple of days.  I started to feel a little yuck on Saturday.  I took the medicine as directed. I am not much on taking medicine. In my head or not, I felt worse after the medicine. Next day I do not take all the recommended medicine. I am better, not great ,but not yuck! By Monday If I had too I could have powered up and gone about my day.  When Wednesday came I felt GREAT!  Thursday the proof was in the lab.  All my blood work showed Chemo and I are going to be BFF!

My Latest Fear

 During this journey I am on I can say the only fear I do not have is losing my hair. It is just hair it will grow back.  The fears that I have faced were having the double mastectomy and having the port placed. Those fears are history. The fear I have had from the start is the chemotherapy this too shall pass after Thursday.

 My new fear is that I will not stop touching my new breast. I went yesterday to get them pumped up and taught about massage. I was instructed to massage them all the time. Jokingly they said you massage them have your husband massage them. Have your friends massage them, the mailman massage them. The point being is it is very important for the healing to get good blood flow to promote healing and reduce scar tissue. I pride myself in being a good patient. It takes 21 days to form or break a habit. My breast expansion will surpass this time frame. How embarrassing will that be if I do it and not even realize what I am doing?  I wonder if there is a 12 step program for this. Men have inappropriately rearranged their personal parts in public for years. I believe their program was called a wife.  I give permission to anyone if you see me touching myself in public please tell me.

New Best Friend

    I have always been a conservative patient. I will actively go to the doctor for my ills. But I would go just to rule out whatever I had was not going to kill me.  Not a fan of surgery or taking medicine. I would rather suffer through a headache than take something for it.

Now I am getting ready to start my first Chemo treatment in less than a week. I have to change my entire mind set about medicine. I have always been more frightened of the cure than the disease. However, I do not want to die of optimism.

A friend gave me some advice told me to look at Chemo as a friend. She said a friend who can be a real butt head, but none the less a friend.  Friends, I love friends!  My mother would say to have a good friend is to be a good friend. I will say Hi Chemo! I am Rachel nice to meet you. 

February 22, 2012

 Today would have been my Mothers 93^rd Birthday.  Ruth G. Walsingham passed away May 5, 1999. When someone passes who has been ill or in pain, you are suppose to get some sort of relief that they are in a better place. But it does not ease your pain.  Our pain is pure selfish pain. We hurt so much because this loved one is no longer here on earth. To hold us, to laugh, smile or to give us their thoughts.

Today I am no longer selfish. I think I now understand the true meaning when a parent says “This hurts me more than it does you”   I would not want my Mama to see me fighting cancer. For the first time I am relieved she is in a better place.

It is a Great Life if you do not weaken.  by Ruth Walsingham

My Rock

·          I have been trying to put into words the worry and fear I see in the eyes of those that care for me. Below is a message from a friend whose spouse was a cancer patient. I left it original except for her number and who it was from.

o    I miss you guys too. I know that this is very scary for you both and Chemo will be hard. Don’t try to be the hero, just be. Get the rest you need and hang in there. It will not last forever even though it may seem too. Tell Big Daddy I know that he is feeling helpless and afraid too. It is hard being the spouse and not being able to just take your place. People tend to forget that the spouse is hurting too because we have to sit there and watch you go through this. He needs support too so tell him to call me anytime he wants a shoulder to cry on. He WON’T want to cry on yours because he won’t want to upset you. Just another point of view from the other side. Thought I would share. My number is ######so call me if you ever just want to get out, or talk, or cry, or whatever it takes. Steve's Dr. was Keller at St Francis. We went to MD Anderson to get a second opinion. They did a million tests and they told us to go home because he was in very good hands. Love you guys.

o      Big Daddy is my ROCK! He has been so tough through what we have been through so far. I believe the worst is to come. We have said we can take care of each other. The week I start Chemo will be our 35^th wedding anniversary. I am sad that I am sick. I am sad my family will see me at my weakest. I have been their ROCK! I only have one choice and that is to show them this Rock won’t roll.

o    It is time to pull my boot straps up, put on my big girl panties and move on down the road!

My Treatment Plan, Just The Facts

 This post will be my personal type of Caring Bridge you folks might as well hear it from the horse’s mouth.  I love the Caring Bridge. I feel that is a great tool for really sick folks. The cure will make me sick but not sick enough for someone else to relay my health. (That’s what I am going with for now)

 The facts are.

My oncologist is Dr. Scott Cole he is with Cancer Care Associates at St. Francis

My Chemo cocktail will be ACT: A for Adriamycin, C for Cytoxa given every two weeks. 4 treatments. (Eight weeks) I will be given a drug Neulasta given day of and day after to build white blood cells.

 And T for Taxol.  After the AC I will then take the T once a week for 12 weeks.

I will be having a bone density test and an echocardiogram an incidental finding in my breast MRI. Showed, I had cysts abutting around heart and lungs more like pericardial than pulmonary. So need to get that checked out first.  The A is hard on the heart. We need to make sure the ticker is good. PET SCAN also showed some fibroid tumors in my uterus. This is no big deal but getting that all check out as well.

Lab work was done. I will also have a port placed. The expected time treatment should start will be around 6^th week mark after my surgery. The estimated time would make that week of March 8^th.

That is all I know now. I need continued thoughts and prayers, as well for my family. I can do surgery, However, being sick not my best quality.

How I Met Big Daddy

 Back in 1977 when I was 15 years old and in the 9^th grade. The state of Oklahoma’s drinking laws were a little crazy. Girls could be 18 years old to purchase alcohol but boys had to be 21.

I could pass for 18 years old. But my sister Mina who was two years older could not. That is where the trouble started. Mina has always been a responsible drinker and driver. A plan was hatched. I would go in the store buy the beer after her and friends would drink it, than I would get to drive. I have always loved to drive.

 Then it would be on to Tornado of Tulsa at 21^st and Harvard. Tornado of Tulsa was a foosball hall. You had to be 16 years old to go inside but hey I was 18. I went up to the counter to get change and there was Gene.  He had the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen. He made a comment about how beautiful he thought my eyes were. I had always been attracted to older boys. Huh always? I think that meant for at least three years since I was really 15 years old. But he did not know I was 15. He thought I was 18 years old. I was not going to tell him any different.  He owned the place and that was against the law to have anyone younger than 16 in there.  My love of driving is what kept me from the truth.

 After weeks of going into Tornado of Tulsa to play foosball, always being the one to get change. One thing had lead to another. All my friends were talking about sex but no one had done it. I thought well if I am going to do it I want to do it with someone who knew what they were doing.  Weeks later I think I am pregnant. I skip school and go to Planned Parent Hood. I am pregnant.  I later go to my mother’s OB/GYN confirmed pregnant.

Oklahoma law back then was a little different on this subject matter also. I was 15 years old Gene was 27. However, Oklahoma law allowed us to get married with a court order. Now if I had been 16 years old we would have just needed my parents consent. We were married March 11, 1977. Two months later we found out I was not pregnant. It was a false pregnancy.

 There is much more to this story, but it would then be a novel and not a blog.

My Blue Shirt

 Yesterday I was preparing to take back a little of my independence. The first thing I was taking back was the ability to take a shower by myself. That in its self was wonderful. Then I laid out my uniform a man’s button down shirt, leggings and boots. I pulled out the new button down that Nicole and I bought last week. It was a light blue 100% cotton oxford with pin stripes inside the cuffs. It was on the sale rack and I thought to myself I wonder who I can give it to when I am done it was a size large and all the men in our family are sized extra. You need a button down just because they are easier to put on but you need it to be big and baggy because of the surgical drains you have strapped around your waist like bombs.

By the time I was showered and dressed I was exhausted so I took a little rest. After my rest I needed to finish getting ready. The last steps were my makeup and jewelry. I am now complete, ready for my first outing by myself. First stop Whole Foods. I thought I would get a little lunch and do some shopping.  I realized quickly while walking into the store my wrap and shopping bag would need to rest while I gathered my lunch. I found a small table and secured a place with my wrap and bag.

I made my plate and grabbed a bottle of water and was thankful that the register was opened in the deli area. It is still a challenge to carry items and not be in discomfort. I walked up to the register and greeted the clerk. She said you look so pretty in your big comfy shirt. I started to cry. I then felt the need to explain my tears. I said thank you for the compliment I have had a double mastectomy and my new wardrobe/uniform does not exactly make me feel pretty.

My new light blue 100% cotton oxford shirt with the pin stripes in the cuffs will always remain in my wardrobe. In my memory will remain the sweet young girl who unknowingly paid a 50 year old woman a compliment she will never forget.

Newest Idea

Over the years, I have come up with some fabulous ideas and shared them with people whom I thought would run with them. I pitched my last idea to my daughter Nicole, who works for Red Bull Energy Drink. She got me hooked! I would drink one everyday at 2:00PM; it gave me the focus to finish my work day. I saw a report on how important vitamin B-12 was for maintaining seniors’ memories. From that report, I came up with the idea an energy drink specifically for senior citizens, SILVER BULL®.  Alas, my brilliant idea fell on deaf ears.

Get ready, here is my newest idea! In picking out different doctors during my breast cancer journey, I have found that a doctor’s expertise is not the only important factor; so is their personality. I think it would be a great help to others in similar circumstances to develop a resource for matching patients and doctors based on the compatibility of their personalities and communication styles.

 I chose my oncologist based on a referral from a friend of my daughter. This friend’s mother has a particularly serious cancer. Her doctor told her that her cancer was in remission, but would be back within five years. The family was not happy with this blunt prognosis, thinking it was not what she needed to hear, as it would hamper her will to fight it. I asked my daughter to find out this doctor’s name. Because that is the guy I want.  I want someone to tell it to me straight, and if I do not like what his prognosis is, I will fight to prove him wrong. I go see this doctor Monday morning. I will let you know if my matchmaking works.

Picture of Health

This is my first post. I was not sure where to start. I decided to start with the story that made me feel a blog would be helpful to me and possibly others.

 May 5, 1999 was the worst day of my life. I lost my dear sweet Mama. My mother was 80 years old. She died of congestive heart failure. All of moms health problems where self induced. She was always 200 plus pounds. She smoked, drank and loved desert. She was a very smart business woman, my best friend, and the most grateful woman I have ever known. I see many posts about her in the future. These posts will make it clear where I get my thoughts and values.

 Mom quit drinking and smoking about 8 years before her death. She once said “Rach, you think I am in the shape I am in because I smoked”?  Of course it was her planting the seed for me to think. I was never a big smoker. I quit every time I was pregnant and nursing. I would pick it back up because it would make me sit down and take a break. Two weeks after Mom died, I quit. I quit many a time before but it took my love for my Mama to make it stick. I have never touched another one. How crazy is that I would not quit for myself? But in my mind it was to honor her. She was no longer here to love me physically. I could love myself for her.  Oh boy did I love me! Then I loved myself with plenty of food and drink. I gained 50 pounds.

At 40 years old, I had my last hoorah! It was now time to get healthy. I started walking Lafortune Park every day. I took a gym class at TCC then I graduated to the YMCA. I was a 5:00 am gym rat. By the time I was 42 years old, I was in the best shape of my life. I never looked or felt better.

It was time for my annual mammogram. I had one every year since 40 years old so this was my third, no big deal. I was a picture of health. Well to my surprise my mammogram came back with some suspicious calcifications. I was called back for a magnified mammogram. After those findings, a biopsy was recommended. This entire process took about a month from the first suspicious mammogram to the pathology results of biopsy. During that time I had written and re-written my eulogy and borrowed more trouble than anyone person can carry.

My diagnosis was DCIS stage 0. This is a pre-cancer condition.  I am a very conservative type of patient. You get a lot of options for treatment; some of the options are pretty drastic in my opinion. I choose the least invasive option. I choose a lumpectomy and that was all I wanted to do. I had asked my primary doctor to speak to my breast surgeon about radiation treatment. I was not interested in at all. Well my surgeon made a great argument for my Harvard educated doctor due to my age I was 42 years old. I had 39 radiation treatments. The other suggestion was for me to be on a medicine called Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. This medicine throws you in to menopause and I was not interested in that at all so I decided against it.  I have no regrets what so ever in the choices I made. I looked at the odds and I felt I was doing the right thing for me. I still do. It is what it is.  Funny thing, no not funny at all, in late October it was all in the news that DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma in Situ) is not real cancer it is pre- cancer that might never turn into anything which is what I had been saying all along. Woman should now wait until 50 years old to get mammograms. WRONG!  I do not care how healthy you may look or feel get your mammogram done every year after 40 years old and do not miss a year!

 Now where am I today? I am laying here doing really well considering less than two weeks ago I had a bilateral mastectomy with the removal of 9 lymph nodes with 3 containing cancer. I have Invasive ductal carcinoma. I should have an appointment with an oncologist made today. Doctors make me a little crazy.  Everything I have read says if the cancer is in lymph node or if the cancer area is a certain size you will have chemo. No doctor has told me that yet. But of course I have yet to visit with an oncologist.

I believe this will be the end of my first blog.