An Ugly Place

It has been awhile since I have blogged about my journey. My last blog was all about how I wanted to continue on this journey through healthy drinks and exercise. Well all great plans can go awry.  My last post was on the day of my last chemo treatment. A week later I missed a step and fell and broke my leg. I have to say after everything I have been through the broken leg was the worst until the last few weeks.

I started my hormone therapy of Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is an estrogen blocker, woman who have estrogen positive cancer are placed on this medicine for 5 years. It saves lives, if your cancer is estrogen positive it means estrogen is what feeds your cancer. Tamoxifen like any other drug has its side effects. I was aware of the life threatening side effects of blood clots, stroke, and uterine cancer. The one side effect I was not worried about was depression. That is the one that got me. I am thankful it did. I have a new understanding of the condition.

I was the person who used to think anyone who committed suicide was a selfish coward. Then with age I realized that they were mentally ill. The one thing I did not realize is how these thoughts can happen to anyone. I did not have suicidal thoughts. But I did pray “Oh Lord if you want or need me you can take me now”. I was on this medicine for three weeks. By the third week I was crying all the time. I told my husband I wished I had not done any of the medical treatments I had endured. I did not find delight in much. I did not know or even think it was the medicine making me have these thoughts. I took myself off the Tamoxiphen because I thought it made the painful neuropathy I have in my feet worse. After the third day of being off the medicine I felt more like the old Rachel. The Rachel that was the poster child for a positive happy attitude.

Knowing now how I felt and thought. I have some insight how a depressed person could think the way they do. I know the thoughts I had about me, my life, and my condition were not normal healthy thoughts. I now know I am not immune to depression. 

There are other estrogen blockers and I will try them later. I believe in the one new drug at a time plan. I am on a medicine for the painful neuropathy. The neuropathy is a side effect of chemo therapy.   This drug can cause depression as well. However, they tell me you just do not know if it will. The neuropathy will hopefully go away it can last 6 month to a year, or last forever.

Please if you have or you see the signs of depression in a friend ask questions get help.