Important Message

 St. John’s Hospital January 26, 2012 I had my bilateral mastectomy. It felt kind of strange to go in and sit down in the waiting room until it was your turn to go back. My family was of course there by my side. When I looked around I saw two women waiting. By their conversation they had a loved one in there having a mastectomy. The women were about my age and I thought most likely it was a sister or mother. My daughters complimented one of the women about her bracelet and there was small talk. Then the call came to them about how surgery was going. Then I was called back.

 I will always remember being wheeled in to the cold operating room. I said “Well I guess this is the last time my headlights will come on.” Funny thing about that is, you have heard of amputee’s still feeling their lost limbs. Well I can say when it gets cold I have phantom nipples.  I find humor in that.

 Four days later I went to my post op appointment. As we pulled up I saw a young woman walking into the office. She had what I now call a cancer scarf on. I said to my husband she is too young for this. I am a 50 year old woman with grown children and grandchildren. She has not even begun to enjoy adult freedom.  We parked and went in to the building. I was surprised to see the young woman with the scarf in my surgeon’s office. My surgeon is a breast surgeon who specializes in CANCER. How could this be? Is she the patient?  Then her mother recognized me from the hospital waiting room. It was her with the bracelet that my daughters commented on. But it had not been her sister or mother  getting a mastectomy. It was her 26 year old daughter.

  I have made many friends at the cancer clinic and to my surprise these ladies are mostly my daughter’s ages.  Some with a family history of cancer, some not. It makes me go back and remember when I was their age. This is the age, unless you had a family history of breast cancer you are on your own to detect a lump. I had the Susan G. Komen how to perform a self breast exam shower hanger in the shower. But really? I had 3 kids, a job and a husband that traveled Monday through Friday. I was lucky to get my legs shaved. I was also lucky cancer waited to visit me at 42 years old when I was getting regular mammograms.

My message here is to be aware educate yourself and your daughters. Doing monthly breast exams are very important, check not only the breast but under the arms.Always make that annual visit to the GYN. Catching cancer early is vital!

Just Thoughts

 When I started this blog I named it Thoughts of Newhart. So I think I will give you just some of my random thoughts and wisdom, which I have lived and learned. I am so thankful for the ones who spoke words that I have now lived to understand.

1. It is a great life if you do not weaken.
2. If you drop your pack it is hard to pick it back up.
3. God’s lessons are sometimes for others.
4. Why do people fight so hard to stay on this earth when their reward is after death?
5. Breathe, this too shall pass.
6. Still more scared of the cure than the disease.
7. Words can be the sweetest gift.
8. Don’t shelter a sick person from your woe’s it is nice to step away from theirs.
9. People with a positive attitude in health usually have one in sickness.
10. Woman who have had breast cancer and do not know what type they have make me crazy.
11. Your trials and tribulations are comparable to illness. It is all relevant, it is LIFE!
12. Worry in the eyes of those that love you, hurts.
13. Quality of life is my first priority.
14. I miss my old boobs!
15. Sisters are a gift!
16. I love people, their stories and their lives.
17. Hiking and Yoga are great for the body but better for the mind.
18. Still learning to take a compliment and just say Thank you.
19. Friend’s make you feel special.
20. At any age look for a positive role model.
21. Remission, I am not in remission, it is gone.
22. Do people really like my natural hair color?
23. I will never understand why people where pajama pants in public.
24. Thoughts and prayers do work.
25. Love those where they are.
26. You should know someone at least a year before you procreate
27. I love photography, my favorite is portrait
28. Pray every day.
29. Gratitude is the secret to happiness.
30. If you lay down with dog’s you will wake up with flea’s
31. A bird of a feather, flock together
32. Don’t  shi* on me and then tell me I stink.
33. Do the best you can at the time with what you have, then you can live with no regrets.
34. To have a good friend it to be a good friend.
35. I will always dress for a funeral, to me it says I put some thought and care in coming to pay my last respects.

I could have an individual blog on each of these subjects, and someday I might. 

An Ugly Place

It has been awhile since I have blogged about my journey. My last blog was all about how I wanted to continue on this journey through healthy drinks and exercise. Well all great plans can go awry.  My last post was on the day of my last chemo treatment. A week later I missed a step and fell and broke my leg. I have to say after everything I have been through the broken leg was the worst until the last few weeks.

I started my hormone therapy of Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is an estrogen blocker, woman who have estrogen positive cancer are placed on this medicine for 5 years. It saves lives, if your cancer is estrogen positive it means estrogen is what feeds your cancer. Tamoxifen like any other drug has its side effects. I was aware of the life threatening side effects of blood clots, stroke, and uterine cancer. The one side effect I was not worried about was depression. That is the one that got me. I am thankful it did. I have a new understanding of the condition.

I was the person who used to think anyone who committed suicide was a selfish coward. Then with age I realized that they were mentally ill. The one thing I did not realize is how these thoughts can happen to anyone. I did not have suicidal thoughts. But I did pray “Oh Lord if you want or need me you can take me now”. I was on this medicine for three weeks. By the third week I was crying all the time. I told my husband I wished I had not done any of the medical treatments I had endured. I did not find delight in much. I did not know or even think it was the medicine making me have these thoughts. I took myself off the Tamoxiphen because I thought it made the painful neuropathy I have in my feet worse. After the third day of being off the medicine I felt more like the old Rachel. The Rachel that was the poster child for a positive happy attitude.

Knowing now how I felt and thought. I have some insight how a depressed person could think the way they do. I know the thoughts I had about me, my life, and my condition were not normal healthy thoughts. I now know I am not immune to depression. 

There are other estrogen blockers and I will try them later. I believe in the one new drug at a time plan. I am on a medicine for the painful neuropathy. The neuropathy is a side effect of chemo therapy.   This drug can cause depression as well. However, they tell me you just do not know if it will. The neuropathy will hopefully go away it can last 6 month to a year, or last forever.

Please if you have or you see the signs of depression in a friend ask questions get help.

Inspire

My cancer journey is in day 210, 6 months 27 days or 302,400 minutes.  During this journey I have been told I am an inspiration. I am humbled to think. Inspire 1. To exert a stimulating or beneficial effect upon (a person); animate or invigorate. What I want to share with you is who has inspired me on this journey and what I did or will do about it. Kim Hudson who called and told me she would be cleaning our pool until I was done with treatment. I will not ask a friend what I can do? I will just do what needs to be done.  My first chemo friend Ann, she inspire me with her running club, I then went back to hiking. I am inspired with those patients who are very sick and continue to fight. I am not sure what effect this will have on me. I hope I could be as courageous as they, their will alone is inspirational. I aspire to be an inspiration. What I have been through so far has really just happened to me. I believe if you are a positive happy person in health, you can be one in sickness. So there was not much effort on my part.  I had my last chemotherapy treatment today. I will let that poison work its magic. Then it is on to a healthy eating, juicing and a 70% raw foods and fish. I will start back to being an early morning gym rat. I quit that life several years ago after an injury. My mother used to say “If you drop your pack it is hard to pick it back up” Oh so true! I thank you if you were one who said I was an inspiration. It is that, that will give me the will to do something  I think is worthy of your inspiration. What a lesson!, a few kind words you might say could make a huge difference in someone's life. Which then will have a ripple effect on everyone in their life. Thank you!

The Princess Phone

WOW the technology we have today in telephones! I have a very smart phone, it tracks my exercise. It tracks my calories; I believe there is an App to track anything. It does more than I will ever know or need. I do not suffer from telephone envy when the newest brightest phone is unveiled. There was a day when I did have telephone envy.

 It was over 40 years ago. My best friend Susan had a Princess Phone. The sleek phone was on her night stand between her and her sisters bed. It had its own number 742-1388 the phone was just theirs. No calls for Mom or Dad on it. I would have loved to have had my own phone. But I had to share with the family. We did have three phones, in the kitchen, my Mom’s room and the living room.  It was not unusual to only have one line in a home. Parents thought the conversations we were having could be in public. No real need for privacy. But we did get our privacy when we added the 25’ cord to the kitchen phone. We could stretch that cord out to the garage. There were many a wall phone pulled off the wall while trying to get privacy or quite.

I believe now if our children had to live under those circumstances the child protective services might come in.  It might be some kind of child neglect. I miss those days. I miss when you called a friend their attention was completely yours. There were no interruptions with call waiting. You could not be distracted with driving, walking, shopping, texting. You were tethered to the end of that cord. The caller ID you had, was to have your sibling answer the phone. Oh and the phone etiquette! “Hello this is the Smith Home, I am sorry my father is not available may I take a message?”

Today’s phone etiquette where is that taught? I believe there could be an entire book written on the subject now that our phones go everywhere with us.

It Is About the Hair!

I have gone 11 weeks without a pedicure.  On this cancer journey you have been WARNED you are very susceptible to infection during chemo therapy. But I am desperate, my blood counts have always been good. It is right before a treatment , I am going! I am going to the mall nail spa.

I walk in pick my color, (this is not my first rodeo.) I choose a red to go with my new red lipstick. I am trying to be on the cutting edge of fashion.  If and when I start having the sick look I want to be at least well manicured. Never wearing pajama’s in public it screams  I have given up on life, whether you have an illness or not.

I get cozy in the massaging pedicure chair. The water was a little too hot at first then I got use to it and enjoyed it. I did not even have to tell him not to cut my cuticles. I believe the  scarf told him that might not be a good idea. Matter of fact we did not say much at all.  All went well with the pedicure, he even let me stay a while longer in the chair while my pigs were drying.  I paid and tipped him. I then get moved over to the nail dryer. While I am there I get my tips worth. He starts rubbing my shoulders while my toes are drying. Then in his broken English he asks “Why no hare” I stop and think, I have to think before I speak. I say “ I am having some treatments” He asks “ concer”  I say yes “ I have breast cancer”  He then informs me that there is fake hare. I say;"Yes I know I have seven wigs now." I pull out my phone and show him my photo with all my wigs (Disguise’s of Patient Rachel Newhart ) Then he see’s on my phone pictures of Sam and Barbie. He then says hare make you look ten year younger! And nobody know U doing treatment. Then I felt compelled to lie. I told him I had worn a wig all day at work and I just needed a break, It gets uncomfortable.

See it is about the hair.  I should have said I believe in the power of thoughts and prayer I want to make it easy for people too spot me out. If they don’t say a little prayer for me at least the thought “ She would look ten years younger with some Fake Hare”

Funny Thing About No Hair

  I am not really sure if there is anything funny about being a woman and being bald. I like to find some humor in everything.

This morning I was a little disappointed as to my baldness timing. I was putting on my makeup and before I got to the eyeliner and mascara. I noticed the smoky eyes that I created; I would make a great Uncle Fester for Halloween.

Not so funny but a lesson learned. Before I went back to work, I was getting practice in wearing my many wigs.  I put on Barbie, Barbie is a blonde long wig I bought for a Halloween costume years ago.  Barbie and I hit the mall for some mall walking. It appears Barbie likes to shop more than walk.  We were checking out a Dillard’s when the young clerk commented she liked my hair. My correct response should have been thank you.  But before I knew it I said “Oh it is a wig I am in the middle of chemo and I have no hair”.  I immediately felt horrible I could see the look on her face. It is that look on someone’s face when they ask you when the babies due and you are not pregnant. What lesson did I learn? Just be gracious and say thank you. If you are going to wear it own it!

Wearing a wig and mall walking and wearing a wig working are two different things. My first day back at work I am wearing Sugar. Sugar is a brunette bob with sassy bangs. I am in a store looking for stock to bring down. Every time I look up in the overhead then down ,Sugars bangs slap me in the face. I am adjusting her all day I feel she is crooked. The girls are not much on working. Sam does pretty well but she is pretty hot.

Remember the lesson I should have learned?  I am at work in a Lowes store wearing a beautiful scarf tied in a twist knot in the back, when I say hello to an associate whom I visit with on occasion. He says “What’s up with the tribal headdress”.  I once again say “chemo”. I wish I could have thought of something clever.

Back to the funny, I still use shampoo!