It has been awhile since I have blogged about my journey. My
last blog was all about how I wanted to continue on this journey through
healthy drinks and exercise. Well all great plans can go awry. My last post was on the day of my last chemo
treatment. A week later I missed a step and fell and broke my leg. I have to
say after everything I have been through the broken leg was the worst until the
last few weeks.
I started my hormone therapy of Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is an
estrogen blocker, woman who have estrogen positive cancer are placed on this
medicine for 5 years. It saves lives, if your cancer is estrogen positive it
means estrogen is what feeds your cancer. Tamoxifen like any other drug has its
side effects. I was aware of the life threatening side effects of blood clots,
stroke, and uterine cancer. The one side effect I was not worried about was
depression. That is the one that got me. I am thankful it did. I have a new
understanding of the condition.
I was the person who used to think anyone who committed suicide
was a selfish coward. Then with age I realized that they were mentally ill. The
one thing I did not realize is how these thoughts can happen to anyone. I did
not have suicidal thoughts. But I did pray “Oh Lord if you want or need me you
can take me now”. I was on this medicine for three weeks. By the third week I
was crying all the time. I told my husband I wished I had not done any of the
medical treatments I had endured. I did not find delight in much. I did not
know or even think it was the medicine making me have these thoughts. I took
myself off the Tamoxiphen because I thought it made the painful neuropathy I
have in my feet worse. After the third day of being off the medicine I felt
more like the old Rachel. The Rachel that was the poster child for a positive
happy attitude.
Knowing now how I felt and thought. I have some insight how
a depressed person could think the way they do. I know the thoughts I had about
me, my life, and my condition were not normal healthy thoughts. I now know I am
not immune to depression.
There are other estrogen blockers and I will try them later.
I believe in the one new drug at a time
plan. I am on a medicine for the painful neuropathy. The neuropathy is a
side effect of chemo therapy. This drug can cause depression as well.
However, they tell me you just do not know if it will. The neuropathy will
hopefully go away it can last 6 month to a year, or last forever.
Please if you have or you see the signs of depression in a
friend ask questions get help.
