My Latest Fear

 During this journey I am on I can say the only fear I do not have is losing my hair. It is just hair it will grow back.  The fears that I have faced were having the double mastectomy and having the port placed. Those fears are history. The fear I have had from the start is the chemotherapy this too shall pass after Thursday.

 My new fear is that I will not stop touching my new breast. I went yesterday to get them pumped up and taught about massage. I was instructed to massage them all the time. Jokingly they said you massage them have your husband massage them. Have your friends massage them, the mailman massage them. The point being is it is very important for the healing to get good blood flow to promote healing and reduce scar tissue. I pride myself in being a good patient. It takes 21 days to form or break a habit. My breast expansion will surpass this time frame. How embarrassing will that be if I do it and not even realize what I am doing?  I wonder if there is a 12 step program for this. Men have inappropriately rearranged their personal parts in public for years. I believe their program was called a wife.  I give permission to anyone if you see me touching myself in public please tell me.

New Best Friend

    I have always been a conservative patient. I will actively go to the doctor for my ills. But I would go just to rule out whatever I had was not going to kill me.  Not a fan of surgery or taking medicine. I would rather suffer through a headache than take something for it.

Now I am getting ready to start my first Chemo treatment in less than a week. I have to change my entire mind set about medicine. I have always been more frightened of the cure than the disease. However, I do not want to die of optimism.

A friend gave me some advice told me to look at Chemo as a friend. She said a friend who can be a real butt head, but none the less a friend.  Friends, I love friends!  My mother would say to have a good friend is to be a good friend. I will say Hi Chemo! I am Rachel nice to meet you. 

February 22, 2012

 Today would have been my Mothers 93^rd Birthday.  Ruth G. Walsingham passed away May 5, 1999. When someone passes who has been ill or in pain, you are suppose to get some sort of relief that they are in a better place. But it does not ease your pain.  Our pain is pure selfish pain. We hurt so much because this loved one is no longer here on earth. To hold us, to laugh, smile or to give us their thoughts.

Today I am no longer selfish. I think I now understand the true meaning when a parent says “This hurts me more than it does you”   I would not want my Mama to see me fighting cancer. For the first time I am relieved she is in a better place.

It is a Great Life if you do not weaken.  by Ruth Walsingham

My Rock

·          I have been trying to put into words the worry and fear I see in the eyes of those that care for me. Below is a message from a friend whose spouse was a cancer patient. I left it original except for her number and who it was from.

o    I miss you guys too. I know that this is very scary for you both and Chemo will be hard. Don’t try to be the hero, just be. Get the rest you need and hang in there. It will not last forever even though it may seem too. Tell Big Daddy I know that he is feeling helpless and afraid too. It is hard being the spouse and not being able to just take your place. People tend to forget that the spouse is hurting too because we have to sit there and watch you go through this. He needs support too so tell him to call me anytime he wants a shoulder to cry on. He WON’T want to cry on yours because he won’t want to upset you. Just another point of view from the other side. Thought I would share. My number is ######so call me if you ever just want to get out, or talk, or cry, or whatever it takes. Steve's Dr. was Keller at St Francis. We went to MD Anderson to get a second opinion. They did a million tests and they told us to go home because he was in very good hands. Love you guys.

o      Big Daddy is my ROCK! He has been so tough through what we have been through so far. I believe the worst is to come. We have said we can take care of each other. The week I start Chemo will be our 35^th wedding anniversary. I am sad that I am sick. I am sad my family will see me at my weakest. I have been their ROCK! I only have one choice and that is to show them this Rock won’t roll.

o    It is time to pull my boot straps up, put on my big girl panties and move on down the road!

My Treatment Plan, Just The Facts

 This post will be my personal type of Caring Bridge you folks might as well hear it from the horse’s mouth.  I love the Caring Bridge. I feel that is a great tool for really sick folks. The cure will make me sick but not sick enough for someone else to relay my health. (That’s what I am going with for now)

 The facts are.

My oncologist is Dr. Scott Cole he is with Cancer Care Associates at St. Francis

My Chemo cocktail will be ACT: A for Adriamycin, C for Cytoxa given every two weeks. 4 treatments. (Eight weeks) I will be given a drug Neulasta given day of and day after to build white blood cells.

 And T for Taxol.  After the AC I will then take the T once a week for 12 weeks.

I will be having a bone density test and an echocardiogram an incidental finding in my breast MRI. Showed, I had cysts abutting around heart and lungs more like pericardial than pulmonary. So need to get that checked out first.  The A is hard on the heart. We need to make sure the ticker is good. PET SCAN also showed some fibroid tumors in my uterus. This is no big deal but getting that all check out as well.

Lab work was done. I will also have a port placed. The expected time treatment should start will be around 6^th week mark after my surgery. The estimated time would make that week of March 8^th.

That is all I know now. I need continued thoughts and prayers, as well for my family. I can do surgery, However, being sick not my best quality.

How I Met Big Daddy

 Back in 1977 when I was 15 years old and in the 9^th grade. The state of Oklahoma’s drinking laws were a little crazy. Girls could be 18 years old to purchase alcohol but boys had to be 21.

I could pass for 18 years old. But my sister Mina who was two years older could not. That is where the trouble started. Mina has always been a responsible drinker and driver. A plan was hatched. I would go in the store buy the beer after her and friends would drink it, than I would get to drive. I have always loved to drive.

 Then it would be on to Tornado of Tulsa at 21^st and Harvard. Tornado of Tulsa was a foosball hall. You had to be 16 years old to go inside but hey I was 18. I went up to the counter to get change and there was Gene.  He had the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen. He made a comment about how beautiful he thought my eyes were. I had always been attracted to older boys. Huh always? I think that meant for at least three years since I was really 15 years old. But he did not know I was 15. He thought I was 18 years old. I was not going to tell him any different.  He owned the place and that was against the law to have anyone younger than 16 in there.  My love of driving is what kept me from the truth.

 After weeks of going into Tornado of Tulsa to play foosball, always being the one to get change. One thing had lead to another. All my friends were talking about sex but no one had done it. I thought well if I am going to do it I want to do it with someone who knew what they were doing.  Weeks later I think I am pregnant. I skip school and go to Planned Parent Hood. I am pregnant.  I later go to my mother’s OB/GYN confirmed pregnant.

Oklahoma law back then was a little different on this subject matter also. I was 15 years old Gene was 27. However, Oklahoma law allowed us to get married with a court order. Now if I had been 16 years old we would have just needed my parents consent. We were married March 11, 1977. Two months later we found out I was not pregnant. It was a false pregnancy.

 There is much more to this story, but it would then be a novel and not a blog.

My Blue Shirt

 Yesterday I was preparing to take back a little of my independence. The first thing I was taking back was the ability to take a shower by myself. That in its self was wonderful. Then I laid out my uniform a man’s button down shirt, leggings and boots. I pulled out the new button down that Nicole and I bought last week. It was a light blue 100% cotton oxford with pin stripes inside the cuffs. It was on the sale rack and I thought to myself I wonder who I can give it to when I am done it was a size large and all the men in our family are sized extra. You need a button down just because they are easier to put on but you need it to be big and baggy because of the surgical drains you have strapped around your waist like bombs.

By the time I was showered and dressed I was exhausted so I took a little rest. After my rest I needed to finish getting ready. The last steps were my makeup and jewelry. I am now complete, ready for my first outing by myself. First stop Whole Foods. I thought I would get a little lunch and do some shopping.  I realized quickly while walking into the store my wrap and shopping bag would need to rest while I gathered my lunch. I found a small table and secured a place with my wrap and bag.

I made my plate and grabbed a bottle of water and was thankful that the register was opened in the deli area. It is still a challenge to carry items and not be in discomfort. I walked up to the register and greeted the clerk. She said you look so pretty in your big comfy shirt. I started to cry. I then felt the need to explain my tears. I said thank you for the compliment I have had a double mastectomy and my new wardrobe/uniform does not exactly make me feel pretty.

My new light blue 100% cotton oxford shirt with the pin stripes in the cuffs will always remain in my wardrobe. In my memory will remain the sweet young girl who unknowingly paid a 50 year old woman a compliment she will never forget.

Newest Idea

Over the years, I have come up with some fabulous ideas and shared them with people whom I thought would run with them. I pitched my last idea to my daughter Nicole, who works for Red Bull Energy Drink. She got me hooked! I would drink one everyday at 2:00PM; it gave me the focus to finish my work day. I saw a report on how important vitamin B-12 was for maintaining seniors’ memories. From that report, I came up with the idea an energy drink specifically for senior citizens, SILVER BULL®.  Alas, my brilliant idea fell on deaf ears.

Get ready, here is my newest idea! In picking out different doctors during my breast cancer journey, I have found that a doctor’s expertise is not the only important factor; so is their personality. I think it would be a great help to others in similar circumstances to develop a resource for matching patients and doctors based on the compatibility of their personalities and communication styles.

 I chose my oncologist based on a referral from a friend of my daughter. This friend’s mother has a particularly serious cancer. Her doctor told her that her cancer was in remission, but would be back within five years. The family was not happy with this blunt prognosis, thinking it was not what she needed to hear, as it would hamper her will to fight it. I asked my daughter to find out this doctor’s name. Because that is the guy I want.  I want someone to tell it to me straight, and if I do not like what his prognosis is, I will fight to prove him wrong. I go see this doctor Monday morning. I will let you know if my matchmaking works.

Picture of Health

This is my first post. I was not sure where to start. I decided to start with the story that made me feel a blog would be helpful to me and possibly others.

 May 5, 1999 was the worst day of my life. I lost my dear sweet Mama. My mother was 80 years old. She died of congestive heart failure. All of moms health problems where self induced. She was always 200 plus pounds. She smoked, drank and loved desert. She was a very smart business woman, my best friend, and the most grateful woman I have ever known. I see many posts about her in the future. These posts will make it clear where I get my thoughts and values.

 Mom quit drinking and smoking about 8 years before her death. She once said “Rach, you think I am in the shape I am in because I smoked”?  Of course it was her planting the seed for me to think. I was never a big smoker. I quit every time I was pregnant and nursing. I would pick it back up because it would make me sit down and take a break. Two weeks after Mom died, I quit. I quit many a time before but it took my love for my Mama to make it stick. I have never touched another one. How crazy is that I would not quit for myself? But in my mind it was to honor her. She was no longer here to love me physically. I could love myself for her.  Oh boy did I love me! Then I loved myself with plenty of food and drink. I gained 50 pounds.

At 40 years old, I had my last hoorah! It was now time to get healthy. I started walking Lafortune Park every day. I took a gym class at TCC then I graduated to the YMCA. I was a 5:00 am gym rat. By the time I was 42 years old, I was in the best shape of my life. I never looked or felt better.

It was time for my annual mammogram. I had one every year since 40 years old so this was my third, no big deal. I was a picture of health. Well to my surprise my mammogram came back with some suspicious calcifications. I was called back for a magnified mammogram. After those findings, a biopsy was recommended. This entire process took about a month from the first suspicious mammogram to the pathology results of biopsy. During that time I had written and re-written my eulogy and borrowed more trouble than anyone person can carry.

My diagnosis was DCIS stage 0. This is a pre-cancer condition.  I am a very conservative type of patient. You get a lot of options for treatment; some of the options are pretty drastic in my opinion. I choose the least invasive option. I choose a lumpectomy and that was all I wanted to do. I had asked my primary doctor to speak to my breast surgeon about radiation treatment. I was not interested in at all. Well my surgeon made a great argument for my Harvard educated doctor due to my age I was 42 years old. I had 39 radiation treatments. The other suggestion was for me to be on a medicine called Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. This medicine throws you in to menopause and I was not interested in that at all so I decided against it.  I have no regrets what so ever in the choices I made. I looked at the odds and I felt I was doing the right thing for me. I still do. It is what it is.  Funny thing, no not funny at all, in late October it was all in the news that DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma in Situ) is not real cancer it is pre- cancer that might never turn into anything which is what I had been saying all along. Woman should now wait until 50 years old to get mammograms. WRONG!  I do not care how healthy you may look or feel get your mammogram done every year after 40 years old and do not miss a year!

 Now where am I today? I am laying here doing really well considering less than two weeks ago I had a bilateral mastectomy with the removal of 9 lymph nodes with 3 containing cancer. I have Invasive ductal carcinoma. I should have an appointment with an oncologist made today. Doctors make me a little crazy.  Everything I have read says if the cancer is in lymph node or if the cancer area is a certain size you will have chemo. No doctor has told me that yet. But of course I have yet to visit with an oncologist.

I believe this will be the end of my first blog.