Control vs. Optimism

 My first play date went so well with Chemo, the following week I had to ask them, did you give me the full dose of KOOL Aid. How silly of me to think they would be less than hospitable. I was just lucky Chemo did not make me too sick. I am hoping my next visit will be the same. Now that I know what to expect. “Now that I know what to expect” that is pure optimism that my body will react the same. I am optimistic; I will be keeping that thought.

Control is one of my favorite traits, I love to have control, and I am a control freak! Not like most people would think. I do not need to have control over anyone or thing. However, I NEED control over myself.  On this cancer journey, control is one thing I have felt I lost. I lost it when my body betrayed me. I thought I was controlling my health with exercise and diet.  We know how that worked out for me. 

Control is something I really never lost. What I was experiencing was a sense of loss control. I am still in control. I just have a clearer picture of what it is I can and cannot control.  For example I cannot control that I will lose my hair. I will control when it is gone. I am told on day 17 it will start to fall out. On day 15 I will visit the barber.  Some people have said what if it does not fall out.  This is where control wins over optimism.